Cut the Shit

The Things I Need to Tell You

Over the last couple of days, I have dealt with quite a few crazy things. In no particular order, here is my summary of events:

Lust

I have been completely insatiable when it comes to my lust factor these days. I am jerking my bean pole at least 2 times a day. Often, it’s up in the range of 3 or 4 times a dizzle. I can’t stop thinking about muscle men and how crazy horny they make me. I find myself whacking off in the strangest of places. Work, definitely. Home, of course. On Paul’s couch, while he’s sleeping. In Paul’s bed while he is making dinner. On the floor in my bathroom in Albany. In the den of my house in Albany. Pretty much, anywhere I can take it out and whack it off, I will surely do so. Summer gets to me. Seeing all those bulging biceps stretching the sleeves of those manly t-shirts. OMG. I have to jerk right now. Omg. OMG. OMG! UH UH UH UH Oh NO. OH YES! OH OH OH OH OH. HANGING TOUGH! OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHyeaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Now I’m covered in cum. great.

Love

I’ve been so naturally happy these days. Most likely cuz of my impending birthday celebration this weekend. I’ve been running myself into the ground by trying to attend every event that’s happened over the last month. So far, the only get together I haven’t been able to attend was my friend, Stacey’s, bacherlorette party this weekend. I was pretty disappointed that I wasn’t able to see my Rita this weekend, but I just couldn’t make it out of the house. I woke up on Saturday and felt so burned out and like trash…I had to stay home. But once I got my sleep on, I woke up totally in love with everyone I know. There isn’t one person in my life that I’m currently angry at or upset with. I’m just coasting on good fumes and loving every second of it. Paul and I are doing incredibly well and I’m excited to see what he has planned for my birthday on Friday. I just love everything and everyone right now. It’s a very wonderful feeling that only comes around once in a while.

Hate

Of course, I can’t totally lie and say that there isn’t anything that I hate. What’s a life without some hatred in it? Pretty damn boring if you tell me. Be warned, when discussing “hate”, I never hold back. So here is who I hate and why I hate them, in no particular hating order:

1) The entire cast of Outback Jack. TBS…fuck you. Just…FUCK…you.

2) Avril Lavigne. If you don’t choke on your smarm soon, I’m going to wrap my girlie hands around your skinny neck and squeeze the fake coolness right out of your ugly Canadian face.

3) Ashlee Simpson. Please stop singing. You CAN’T and its hurting my ears. They are bleedy from you singy.

4) The entire staff at the University Food Market on the Upper West Side of NYC. You bitches are so rude to me and you’re all 18 with latina babies in your stomach. It’s not my fault that you got knocked up and have no education. Give me my Vitamin water with a smile or I’ll rip those babies out of your stomach and hand deliver them to you.

5) Alfred Molina. You may win people over with your Dr. Octopus savvy, but you will never EVER be ANY sort of Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof. Be more Jewish or get out!

6) President George W. Bush. I never did have much respect for you, but now any shred of dignity you had is gone. You suck. You do bad things and hurt a lot of people. Your reign of terror will end and I will dance on your recently booted, shrivled up, close-minded, controlling bastard ass.

7) The Day After Tomorrow. I’m still reeling from how much you sucked as a movie. Even hot ass Jake Gyllenhaal couldn’t have saved it with his huge beautiful blue eyes. I was more excited to see this movie, over everything else this summer. You suck. You suck and you hurt my feelings for being so B-A-D. That spells “fucking bad”!

8) North Shore. You’re a stupid butthole. Brooke Burns? You are the wrinkle that surrounds the stupid butthole. Your acting skillz are SUPER good.

9) Britney Spears. I’ve never seen a stronger argument for legalizing gay marriage in my life.

10) J. Loser. Ditto on the gay marriage statement.

11) Dick Cheney. You suck worse than Bush. You really seriously do. And I think you drool on yourself. Vice President of scaring me!

12) My Alarm Clock. I worry every day that you won’t go off. You were made in 1972 and if it weren’t for your sentimental value, I would throw you out my front window. You are ugly and you are dirty. And…you are ugly. And dirty. Pudding pies puddin.

13) Liz Phair. What happened? Why do you suck my balls so bad? Why are you licking and nibbling and sucking my nuts? You turned your back on your indie fan base and came out with one of the WORST pop albums I done ever heard. And I am a pop queen, so I know me some poppy. You haven’t impressed me more than Hillary Duff. And she’s a blond donut.

Murder

It was a dark and stormy evening when I entered the old haunted house. In one hand I had a bottle of chloroform, in the other, I had a knife. I approached you while you were sleeping. Creeping on tip toes (I’m gay, memble?), I inched towards your bed, knife raised high to the ceiling. With no need for the chloroform, I casually shoved in into your twatty frosting. You moved slightly, but didn’t wake from the pleasant dreams you must have been having. I raised my knife high above your face and I brought it down with full and complete force. Once your last breath escaped from your chocolate mouth, I cut you up and gave you to everyone at my birthday party! You were a hit and everybody loved that your insides were made of ice cream! Haagen Daaz birthday cake, everyone loved it that you died in my honor!

What?

What.

Did you think I was a real murderer? Shit. I have sensibilities. I only kill for fun. You know that.

Guess what tomorrow is?

The day before my 27th birthday!

See you then bitches!

Update

Just letting you all know that Joe CuttheShit will be returning tomorrow with stories of lust, love, hate, and murder.

Stay tuned for all the neurotic details.

Happy Gay Pride(!) from Joe and Angie!

We are now off to the parade and to pimp ourselves out to the gay community.

This officially marks the end of gay pride week for us here in NYC.

Next up...my birthday!

Heh heh. Let the games begizzle.

Madonna? I laugh in your face!

I did it!

I am the first gay man EVER to give up FREE Madonna tickets! And do you want to hear the best part? They were VIP tickets and we could have gotten backstage! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I am the devil and you LOVE it!

The thing is, Madonna has always made me snore. Of course there are certain songs of hers that I can tolerate and even a few I know completely by heart. But that’s because she’s a pop icon and I would never begrudge her that. However, with it being gay pride (and the concert swarming with people that irk me) and with Madonna changing her name to Esther and with everything she does making me want to cringe with overexposure, the idea of sitting in a stadium cheering for her made my insides curl up and die. I just didn’t want to go.

I’m kind of proud of myself. All I hear from my friends is “This is a once in a lifetime opportunity!” And my response is “For who? Me or Madonna?”

When my kids ask me if I’ve ever had the chance to see Madonna in concert I will say “I had VIP tickets and decided to go out to dinner with my boyfriend instead.”

They will respond “But Daddy, couldn’t you have gone to dinner with Daddy any other day?”

And I will say “Babycakes, Daddy was the only gay man ever born that never had an interest in Madonna. Now, if it was Alicia Keys or Jason Mraz or Nelly Furtado or a piece of shit dangling from a red kabbalah string, I would have gone in a second. But to have Madonna attached to that piece of string totally ruined it. Daddy does what daddy wants. Not what others think he should do.”

They will then say “Oh Daddy…we love you.”

We will all hug each other and then we will all take dumps. Ah.

Gay Pride is slowly winding down. I’m off to lunch today with my friend Mariah. We will eat in Chelsea and cruise all of the boys while sipping on wine and chowing on some sort of gay themed food product (probably juicy hot dogs slathered in cum).

Tomorrow I’m to meet up with my friends from college (56B in da house!) for a bachelorette party. We will drive around the city in a limo and I will be the only gay man in NYC to attend straight bars during Gay Pride Week. But Rita will be there, so it will be all worth it.

On Sunday, it’s off to the big parade! Then there will be lunch and much much much bar hopping. I will hang around as long as I can and then its home to bed with me. I hate going out drinking on Sundays, cuz I need to start my Monday feeling somewhat in control. And I have a huge week ahead of me. Two theatre meetings, my birthday and Fourth of July. YIPES! My dick almost shriveled into a vagina it got so intimidated by all these plans.

I hope you all enjoy your weekend!

If you see Madonna, tell her I’m truly sorry I didn’t have the chance to share a carrot stick with her after the show. I was busy picking nits out of Courtney Love’s hair. She really needed my help.

PEACE OUT!

I am Eggsausted

Last night we had a very intensive theatre meeting. Since we always meet in Manhattan, Kelly and I decided that we should be polite and trek out to Brooklyn so that the third member of our group, Meg, didn’t have to do ALL of the traveling. It was such a beautiful night and perfect for the trip.

On the way down to Brooklyn, the trains got fucked up and I ended up standing on some random platform waiting for a new train to rescue me from the clutches of the subway station. Out of nowhere, I felt someone pull on my bag and I whip around to see Kelly standing behind me. We traveled separately to the meeting and how she ever found me in the chaos of the NYC transit system, I’ll never know.

We ride to our destination and on the walk to Megan’s apartment, we run into her boyfriend, Jason. After talking to him for a few moments, we continue to walk and then bump into our friend, Anne. HUH!? Brooklyn is a VERY big place and how all of this happened in a matter of 20 minutes I’ll never know. Craziness, I tell ya.

Once at Megan’s we climbed up to her roof and did the read-thru of the script we wrote. Sitting up high, glasses of wine in hand, the landscape of Manhattan looming beautifully in the background…it was a very surreal and remarkable experience. It almost made the 60 minute subway ride to get there worth it. Almost.

We are pretty excited about the headway we have made with this show. I mean its super good. And I’m not one of those people to toot a horn unless it’s worthy of being tooted. We’ve worked very hard and it shows. I just hope it pays off in the end. Leaving it in God’s hands, as I can’t be trusted to leave it in my own.

Last night when Paul got home, he found me eating a dinner consisting of potato chips and BBQ sauce. I put on a sad face and said “I’m hungry”. His face fell and he immediately took me to get a nice and healthy Israeli meal at a new restaurant down the street. I mean, who DOESN’T eat falafel at 12:30am? As we were eating our hummus and pita, Paul mentioned that he received two free Madonna tickets from a friend of his at work. “Joe, we HAVE to go see Madonna tomorrow night.”

After I finished vomiting in my mouth, I told Paul that I had very little to no interest in seeing Esther perform her overrated “hits”. It’s not that I don’t respect Madonna for all that she has accomplished...I’m just really tired and wanted a low key night; not a night of hanging out with fairy queens and 8 year old girls all screaming about how we are “Material Girls” for one reason or another. If it means a lot to Paul, I’ll go with him and sit patiently through the concert. But if it was up to me, I would go immediately home after work, smoke a bowl, make a nice dinner and turn on repeats of Scrubs and ER. Whatever, I’m sure my destiny is to see Madonna and I shouldn’t complain. Many people would kill for this opportunity. I just wish they would kill me now so I wouldn’t have to go.

Why is Alanis Morissette marrying Ryan Reynolds? If you’ve seen National Lampoon’s Van Wilder than you know what a toolbox he is. It’s too bad really. I’ve always respected Alanis for her music and sing-song anger laden lyrics. But now, she is really turning into a big, soft, cornball. I mean, she’s never had great taste in men. Dave Coulier anyone? I mean, she went down on him in a movie theater.

CUT IT OUT!

Although my thighs say no, my belly says yes. Pizza, I must run to you today. I must run and collapse into your arms and be your love slave. Pizza oh pizza, remember me on this special day.

I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone’s shadows. If I fail, if I succeed, pizza knows that I believe.
No matter what they take from me, they can’t take away my dignity.

Because the greatest love of all is happening to me. And to pizza.

To pizza and to me.

Gay Pride continues…

For me, last night was the official start to the gay pride week. We all met at Paul’s apartment right after work and had some cocktails while talking and playing loud music. Luckily the old crotch from upstairs only came down once to tell us to turn the volume down on the stereo. She sucks, but maybe she had a point. But maybe she still sucks.

We played a couple of rounds of one my favorite card games, “Cops and Robbers”. It’s super fun and allows everyone the chance to break the ice with the other people in the room that they don’t know very well. The game went well, but I have to admit that it took me 20 minutes to explain the rules. I mean, kindergarteners could pick it up faster, but I guess the combination of booze and marijuana made everyone brain dead to begin with.

Paul and I had purchased a bottle of champagne for everyone to share on top of many bottles of liquor and beer. It was definitely a night for getting blasted and acting like a bunch of jackasses. But that’s what you do on gay pride? Isn’t it?

Eventually we made it out to B-Bar. Although we got in right away, the place was jam packed with gays of all shapes and sizes. There were big ones, little ones, red ones and blue ones; all flailing the arms and talking a mile a minute. The crowd was so intense that we quickly snagged a table on the patio as soon as one opened up. Since we had been drinking heavily for hours, we all decided that it was time to get some appetizers. Mariah immediately ordered the chips and salsa and a burrito and Angie shared the Caesar salad and calamari that Paul and I ordered.

At some point during the meal, Paul’s phone rang and it was his co-worker and friend, Kimmy.

Now here’s why Kimmy’s presence in our life is funny:

Last Friday on my way home to Albany, Angie and I had a discussion on how we desperately need to have new people in our group of friends. Unfortunately, we are all so picky about who we “let in” that it’s very rare for us to meet someone cool enough to chill with. Anyway, we decided that it would be best for all of us if we found a heavy-set black lesbian to be our friend. Since I don’t travel in many ethnic circles, I thought it would be impossible for us to ever meet anyone that fit our description.

Then enter Kimmy. Out of nowhere, Paul suddenly has this new heavy set, black lesbian friend. HUH!? And hilarious! I immediately told him to bring her to the bar. And that is exactly what he did.

Kimmy showed up kind of late in the evening, but Angie and I were still happy to have found our new girl. Kims ordered a margarita pizza and I grilled her on all of the “importants”. Are you a lesbian? Where do you live? When did you come out of the closet? How does it feel to be one of the only black employees at the restaurant you work for? Yeah, I let nothing slide ever. I’m a bit too straight forward for some people, but Kimmy took it all with stride and answered every question perfectly. She passed every one of my little tests.

Eventually Mariah and her (slut) girlfriend had to go home and Angie followed them out (Angie’s got this new teaching position fellowship thing and she is swamped with work. But that didn’t stop her from rocking out to the best of her ability. She stumbled home just in time to throw herself into bed). Paul and I stayed at B-Bar so that Kimmy could finish her pizza and drink. After some more grilling from me, I invited Kims back to Paul’s apartment for a quick smoke. She gratefully accepted and we made our way home, not forgetting to stop for Big Macs along the way. Ay yi yi.

We had a great time talking during our smoke and I decided that Kimmy is totally a new friend to have. She is smart and independent and real. And did I mention that she is a stand up comic? HILARIOUS. She fits every requirement that Angie and I were looking for in a new group member. We’ll see how it goes.

Paul walked Kims out and I shoved the rest of my burger in my mouth. When he got back upstairs, we watched a bit of television and then I threw my drunk ass into bed. At first I had the ultimate in bed spins and really thought I was going to barf all over Paul’s cute face. But instead I passed out, not waking until Paul rolled out of bed this morning.

What a night.

I was pleased to see that a group of us could go out and not have any drama. There were no fights, no yelling, no hitting, no nothing. Just a calm, relaxing evening on a gay pride Tuesday. Ahhhh…very nice.

Tonight I have an intensive theatre meeting. We have finished our script and tonight is the first full read through. YAY! I can’t believe that we are at this point already. See…shit really does get done if you stick to deadlines and keep your ass in gear.

Also, thank you to those people who sent me their ideas for the song that plays during the Summerland preview. Unfortunately, I had the show wrong. The song actually plays during the preview of the new movie The Notebook. It goes something like this:

“shumma shum shum wanta feel tonight. Shumma shum for the rest of MYYY life.”

Do you know it now? I’m super good at translating songs into written words without music. You love it and you jizz over it. Now wipe up your cunty and let’s have a good afternoon, shall we?

Time for me to eat my sammich. Yem. I love sammiches.

Tangents and Nell Carter (yes again)

Today is rainy and annoying. But tonight is the official beginning of Gay Pride week for me! So on one hand I hate today. And on the other, I am totally turned on by today. And with my last hand, I pinch my nipples so hard it feels good. And milk came out. And I drank it. And it tasted good.

As soon as this SLOW fucking day ends, I will go over to Paul’s apartment to get ready to go to B-Bar. I super love B-Bar. Especially during gay pride week. Everyone dresses in their finest gay clothes and shows off their finest gay moves. It’s all very trite and wonderful. Maybe Britney Spears will show up so I can puke on her knee. She’s been known to stop by there. If I see her, I will destroy her. I will destroy her with the puke in mah belly!

When my webpage went (mysteriously) down a couple of weeks ago, I was forced to change my template in order to keep everything I had in my database. As you can see, it now looks like melted, brown poop. In any case, I lost my sitemeter in the process and I decided just to leave it off for a few weeks. To be totally honest, the amount of people that visit my site is really inconsequential to me. I just like writing bullshit every day and I get a real kick out of the emails I receive. Anysnoodle, I put the sitemeter back on yesterday afternoon and was VERY surprised to find out that my number of hits I’ve been getting has increased exponentially since I’ve changed over to my new diarhea colored page. I didn’t realize that the world was filled with people who ENJOY looking at shit all day. I mean thanks for stopping by, but you may have a problem. Poop lover.

There are places that accept people like you. It’s called jail.

I watched The Casino last night on Fox. Loved it. Nuff said.

I heard Ryan Cabrera’s song last night for the second time. On both listens, I had hoped he would die. A horrible rotten death. SHIT SONG WRITER AND UGLY FUCKER. He is also dating Ashlee Simpson, who, as we know, is a brilliant artist. I mean, she writes the most beautiful poetry of BULLSHIT I HAVE EVER FUCKING HEARD! Ashlee, Jessica’s dimwit sister, and her boyfriend, Ryan, are both managed by her father. And they are both hoping to take their careers to the next level by DYING! DIE DIE DIE! Fucking muscial wastepots.

Ok…in other news…last night I was having my late night cup of tea with my good friend Nell Carter. She had just finished singing some bluesy, soulful medley of pieces when I realized that it was time to watch Who Wants to Marry My Dad?. As I went to change the channel, Nell reminded me that I am not a fucking LOSER who watches the SAME MUNDANE garbage on television every night. I told her that I thought the show might be good for a laugh and she retorted with “Please Joe. Don’t even PRETEND to think it’s funny. The show sucks my big black tits.” I hugged her and we went to bed.

While we were making black love, I heard someone outside my window talking to Frankie Muniz. They were being so loud and it was driving me CRAZZZY! I reached out the window and squished him with my thumb. Little fucking know it all prick. Do NOT interrupt my Nell love making with your Malcom in the Middle snore filled hijinks. I hate you and your little Cody Banks smarm.

Nina Sky…I love you. I’ll move ya body if you want.

I’m sorry, but is Entertainment Weekly becoming my new porn? First Jake Gyllenhaal on the cover and now Christian Bale? YUMSICLE! Personally I want to look like Jake and have Christian inside my butt. I mean, I know I’m an anal virgin, but I’ll lose it to Chris. He’s so talented and beautiful. And the Batman Begins movie sounds like the coolest Batman to ever be made. I’m pretty excited. And horny.

Does anyone know who sings the song that plays on the Summerland preview? I think it’s Summerland that I’m talking about, but I don’t remember (all those new summer shows suck balls). If you have any idea what song I’m referring to, please send me an email with your thoughts.

I guess that’s it. Time to go be gay!

Enjoy the rest of your day my sweet little gaylords.

And What a Weekend it Was

I’ve now officially had two weekends in a row that netted me 8 hours of sleep in total. Although this is gay pride week and I’m sure to overdue it yet again, I am MUCHLY looking forward to sleeping in my own bed. It doesn’t happen often, so I try to enjoy every second of it when it does.

So! On Friday, my friend Angie drove us home to Albany. The trip flew by as we smoked pot and cigarettes and blared music. It was the fastest drive home I’ve ever had. We pulled into my driveway at 4pm. My parents weren’t even home from work yet! I quickly threw a load of laundry in and made myself a drink. Once my parents arrived, there were hugs and kisses and a few more drinks and eventually we got our acts together and went out to a local restaurant for dinner.

The weather was beautiful so we were able to sit in the patio area and smoke cigarettes! We had a bottle of wine, really wonderful food, and non-stop conversations about everything under the sun. Our waiter, although only 17, had a super amazing hot great awesome body and I flirted with him the whole time. I’m pretty sure he was gay…or he just liked the fact that I was drolling all over his arms and chest.

After dinner, we went back to my house so I could open up my birthday presents. My parents went overboard as usual, giving me cash, the new Simpsons Season 4 DVD, a couple of cds and movies. You know, the staples to every gay man’s collection. The clothes my mom got me were damn hilarious, so we took those back on Saturday afternoon.

We ended up staying up until about 3:30-4am playing games. I was pretty wasted and tired by that time. On Saturday, I went tanning with my mom and shopping for new clothes. She is so great to chill with. We laugh and laugh and make fun of everyone else who’s not having as much fun as us. You understand.

We were supposed to go to Saratoga for the harness track races, but since the Phish show was going on, we decided to stay home and play some more games. Angie arrived around 9 and we had a beer together before heading downtown. Now, the funny thing about going out to the gay bars in Albany is that you always run into the same people. There just isn’t enough variety.

Anyhizzle, Angie and I ended up going to all three of the major gay bars. We had drinks at all of them, but only one of them had a substantial crowd. A bunch of Mariah’s friends met up with us and we had a good time dancing and joking around. Eventually the night left just four of us rocking out. And of COURSE, I ended up run into a penis that I have sucked in the past. The penis has a name and it’s Barry and he lives in Syracuse. So why was he in Albany at Waterworks on the same night as me!? Very strange and over the top. He looked old and ridiculous and I hugged him and pranced out of the bar. It was super hilarious and man, I am SO glad that I am not still dating him. Bitch looked like shit.

When I finally got home that night, I surprised myself when I threw up. Guess I drank more than I had intended. Ooooooooooops. I shoved a slice of pizza in my face and went to bed. 6 hours later I woke up and had lunch with my parents for father’s day. I can’t explain how much fun I had with both my mom and dad this weekend. They are incredible people. And my dad surely loved the new CD player I got him as a present.

Angie and I took the train home together and had some wine. We played hangman and talked philosophical about anything and everything. Eventually we arrived back in NYC and we went our separate ways. Upon arriving at Paul’s apartment, I was overjoyed to find him in a great mood. He immediately gave me baby kisses and ended up taking me out to one of the best dinners ever!

I eat out in this city at least 4 times a week and there are STILL places that blow my mind. Inos was one of those places. If you are ever in the mood for a bottle of wine and some excellent and creative tapas, Inos will be your friend till the end. You should definitely get best friend necklaces. You can be “Be Fri” and Inos can be “st ends”. It will work best that way.

Finally at 10pm last night, I rolled into bed. My goodness, my eyes couldn’t stay open for a second after that. I have to admit, I can’t WAIT to get into bed tonight. I don’t think I’ll emerge at all. Well unless I have to take a shit. Then I’ll do it on my carpet and clean it up in the morning.

Get sleep now, cuz gay pride begins tomorrow!

YAY GAYS!

My Birthday has Officially Begun!

I am muchly excited to go home to Albany this weekend. My parents have planned a weekend of fun for my upcoming birthday. Since I don’t have a free weekend from now until the beginning of August, my parents decided to do an early birthday celebration with me. They are super cute when it comes to things like this.

Tonight we will have a “relaxing cocktail” (as my mom called it…and she doesn’t even drink!) and open up my presents. After that, we will go out to a classy type dinner. And then after that we will return to my house to play some card games. I’m pretty psyched about it.

Since my brother won’t call us at home until Sunday, I get to sleep in really late tomorrow morning. I can’t explain how badly I need a day like that. It’s been a couple of weeks since I had more than 7 hours of rest in one sitting. After I awake, my mom and I will go tanning since my body is a shade darker than a bottle of Elmer’s glue.

We will have a light dinner together and then head up to Saratoga to the harness track! Last year when we went, one of the horses broke free and ran away from the track. When it reached the fence, separating the track from the street, it jumped it and smashed the harness that it was carrying behind it. The crowd gasped and I felt the tears rising in my throat. (I’ve always hated any type of animal cruelty…fuck you I still like going to the track) A few moments later we heard the gun shot and the horse was killed in front of thousands of cheering fans.

Ok sike. The horse was never shot. I took it home and made a spot for it in my bedroom. In any case, the track is always fun when I go with my parents. We bet like three dollars on each race. Since none of us know anything about gambling, we always pick the horse that has the best name. I tend to go for the horse that I think is the gayest one of all of them. Probably why I never win any money. I mean, if it was a horse drag show, I would be sure to win lots of dough.

After the track, my parents will drop me off at my friend Mariah’s house and I will go trapsing in and out of the Albany gay bars for a couple of hours. I LOVE going to Albany gay bars. Even if I’m extra fat and covered in teenage acne angst, I’m still looked at as fresh meat and the guys will buy me drinks. Heh heh heh suckers.

At some point I will stumble into my parents house and go to bed. On Sunday morning, my brother will call us at the house. After talking to him, I will go to brunch with my moms and dads for Father’s Day. I’m hoping we go to Denny’s. It’s not very classy, but at classy places you don’t get to order things like Moons Over My Hammy. Or maybe even the Play it again Slam! HILARIOUS. I’ll probably get a cheeseburger. That’s what I ALWAYS get, no matter what restaurant I ever go to. But if we are at Denny's, I will order it like this:

"Hi waiter. May I please have a diet kizzle and a cheeseburger in the sky with diamonds?"

The waiter will say: "What's a cheeseburger in the sky with diamonds?"

Me: "What's a moon over my hammy?"

The waiter: "I see. One cheeseburger in the sky with diamonds coming up."

Me: "Go fuck yourself."

It will be great!

At 2pm, my friend Angie and I will board the train and head back to NYC. I’m sure we will have a couple glasses of wine on the train. I mean, it’s just what you do. God forbid we ever have a 3 hour period of our lives without shoving booze down our gullets. I mean, as I said, it’s just what you do.

Then next week is GAY PRIDE week in NYC! Then the week after that is my actual birthday (July 2nd)! Then the week after that I DIE!

It will be a crazy exhausting, but crazy fun couple of weeks. And it all starts today!
WOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I mean, yahoo. I’m going to be 27, so I need to start acting like it.

yahoo.

NELL CARTER IS BACK FROM THE DEAD – FO REAL!

You are never going to believe how hilarious today is for me.

I just opened up the mail at my job and there was a package for me inside of it. I mean, sure, my birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks, so it’s not totally out of the ordinary for some special gifts to come in the mail. In any case, I open up the box to find a cd of Nell Carter singing with the San Francisco Gay Men’s Chorus!

Now, if you know me at all, you know that I love and adore Nell Carter. Her voice, her presence on stage, her overall attitude…it took her dying for me to realize how much I love her. I also found out, post death, that she was a lesbian! AMAZING. I just love love love her.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem as though Nell made any solo cd’s when she was alive. However, I mentioned to my mom, two weeks ago, that I really wanted to find a cd that had Nell Carter singing on it. Today, I received that gift from my mom. Is she not the BREAST mom ever? I am elated and thrilled to be in possession of this wonderful treasure.

I’ll have to hug my mom extra hard when I go home this weekend.

In other news, last night I drank a bottle of wine, ate a rack of ribs, and split a cheeseburger with some friends at Dallas BBQ. Needless to say, the pork slathered beef tasted SO good going down. Unfortunately, it hasn’t come out my ass yet, so I am really wondering where it went to? While we were sitting outside in the patio, sucking down our TEXAS sized margaritas, a huge cockroach went running by and almost jumped on my friend Angie’s face. She screamed, I laughed, the cockie roach got away.

Then on the way home, I was crossing the street, all full of ribs and happy, when a menacing Asian woman came flying down the street on a ten speed bicycle. I jumped out the way just in time and Mariah calls out in the woman’s face, “I STOP FOR NOBODY!” I died laughing and gave her the esteemed award of “Joke of the Day”. You really had to see the Asian woman’s face. She was unphased by my presence in the street. She was determined to speed away as fast as Asianly possible.

When we got back to the apartment, Paul surprised us by getting out of work early. We had one last glass of wine together and then Paul and I stayed up for another hour talking about our plans to move in together. We are hoping to make this transition in early December. Until now, he has been fairly hesitant in discussing the details. But last night, we talked and talked and talked and I finally got him to admit how excited he really is. It’s a big, yet totally necessary step for us in our relationship. It’s time. And I am thrilled about it. I figure, if we get a one bedroom apartment, and we both pay what we’re paying now, we will get a PHATTY AWESOME crib in the best part of Manhattan. We can spend just about $2,000 a month on a place and that means…REALLY NICE PLACE! YAY!

I really need to buy myself some summer clothes. I always move so slow on that shit and I end up having to wear sweaters in this awful NYC heat. H & M here I come! Open your vagina and let me in.

I so loving shopping in vaginas.

Plays and Naps

I am here to say that the play we are writing for the theatre company is just about finished!

We had a wonderful meeting last night and the ideas were flowing like blood out of a woman’s vagina. You understand.

After the meeting was over, I wrote the ending of the play. It was so much fun to do. Using the character development that Kelly created, I was able to write a pretty cool ending for us using her work as a springboard. I am very happy with how it all turned out. This week, Kelly and Megan, will spend time filling in some of the holes and by next Tuesday, the entire script will be finished! We are hoping to have copies out to our friends by the end of the month and we will use their feedback and comments to fine tune any last minute problems.

I am overwhelmed with pride and joy. We chose to write our own play, which is so sketchy. Any time someone tells me that they are writing a book or a screenplay, etc, I am immediately filled with doubt. However, this play came out really good. If people don’t like it, I would be very surprised. It’s smart, funny, intense, and totally appropriate as a contemporary piece of fiction. We have acomplished something great here and I can’t begin to say how relieved I am. We are writers afterall!

In other news, I must say that the cast of The Real World: San Diego has proven that the series is not dead. Last night’s episode hit some soft spots in my heart. From Jaqueese’s mom’s speech about forgiveness to Cameron and Robyn throwing themselves into the water to get out of work, I was impressed with how much I can still (at the age of 26) relate to these people. Let’s pretend that The Real World: Las Vegas never happened, shall we? Here’s to the hope that the series will continue to focus on the real issues facing the young people of America and not just on sex and booze.

After the show, I made myself a nice dinner and settled in to bed. Yesterday took a lot out of me. But oddly enough, the cold that’s been resting comfortably in my head for the last two weeks, subsided a bit. I’ve always been of the theory “Drink through a sickness”. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. The theory itself is pretty fucked up, but I have to admit, I feel much better today.

Tonight I have plans to hang out with my friends, Angie and Mariah. It’s been over a week since I’ve spent some quality time with either of them and we are long overdue. June has been so hectic. There doesn’t seem to be much of a reprieve in sight, but I’m hoping that I will be able to find a day to sleep in at some point. If Joe doesn’t have some time to himself, he becomes a very bitter girl.

Alright, time for my daily nap.

I don’t know how I would survive without having that hour to myself every day.

Lately, it just seems so unbelievably necessary.

Bits and Tids: BitsTids

Time to catch everyone up on a few of the bits going on in my life. I’m sure EVERYONE has been waiting in EAGER anticipation to read about my tids. So many tids, so little time.

1) Paul has been sick for just about two weeks now. His cough and sore throat seems to never go away. At first it was driving me crazy cuz I couldn’t sleep with him hacking his face off all night. Now, it’s driving me even crazier because I have a permanent cold sitting in MY nose and throat. It’s not horrible, but it’s not pleasant. Every morning I must cough up at least 4 gallons of garbage before I can move on with my day.

2) I (somehow against my better judgement) became a fan of the WB’s Superstar USA. For the last month or so, Paul and I have watched every episode faithfully. If you haven’t seen the show, the premise is this: thousands of wannabe singers (a la American Idol (snore)) audition for what they think is the next big talent show. Those who can actually sing get the boot. Those who embarrass themselves, but also think they possess unbelievable talent, move on to the next round. Eventually, there were 12 people competing (horribly) for the title of SUPERSTAR. None of the contestants knew the show was a prank until the final episode last night. Deep down I felt really horrible for each of these terrible performers. But it was sort of like watching a train wreck; you know you shouldn’t stare, but you just have to. Last night they crowned “Jamie” as the country’s worst singer. Her face hit the floor when she saw clips of how terrible she performed. But then, against all laws of mankind and after hearing that she won because she sucked, Jamie says “I am so excited to begin my career as a pop superstar. Britney, give me a call so we can put a video together.” HUH? WHAAAAAAAAAAAA? It takes a special person to SEE and HEAR that they SUCK (and was part of a huge PRACTICAL JOKE), only to then turn around and demand Britney Spears to call them. I mean, Britney sucks too, but she’s made a living on sucking. Jamie has done no such thing. I about puked with joy, although I wish she had cried when she found out she was a loser. That would have tapped into my sensitive side a little more.

3) Even though my 27th birthday isn’t until July 2nd, I am going home this weekend to celebrate with my parents. In typical Joe style, my birthday must take place for two full weeks in order for it to be a success. I have asked for a home entertainment system as well as cash, cash, cash. My parents spoil me rotten, especially with my brother still being in Iraq, so I’m muchly excited to rip into my gifts this weekend. We have plans to go out to a nice dinner, play a hundred rounds of my favorite card games, and up to the harness track in Saratoga. I mean, could anyone ask for a better weekend? The only downside is that my friend, Angie, invited me to see the Phish show at SPAC on Saturday night. Unfortunately I had to bail so that I could spend the whole time with my parents. I was never a REAL Phish fan, but now that they’re breaking up, I would so love to be there. Maybe in the afterlife.

4) Speaking of afterlife, I have found a way to summon Nell Carter from the dead. It will take about a pint of my blood and one of the hairs off her head. I think I can swing that. I’ll do just about anything to get that girl back in my life. (Winkles!)

5) I had ANOTHER hamster multiplying dream the other night. Once again, they began multiplying within their cages and I had to throw them out the window. This time it was my brother trying to calm me down and help kill the monster hammies. He was so helpful, even though I was screaming at the top of my lungs out of frustration. I woke up feeling dirty and gross again, the way I usually feel after this maniacal repeating dream.

6) I LOVE the Next Action Star already. Last night was a “contestant preview” and I ate up every second of it. I’m sorry, but any show that has hot guys running around and doing hot things makes me quiver with excitement. Who cares that none of them can put a sentence together.

7) Paul and I have a new favorite place to eat. It’s called “Bully’s”. For the last 6 months, we have ordered delivery from Bully’s just about once a week. I always get the cheeseburger and fries and Paul alternates between the shrimp po’ boy and the Chicken Parm. Sub. The food is super good, pretty affordable, and always comes within 45 minutes. If I didn’t want to be an actor so badly, I would SO want to work at Bully’s. You know how it is. Cuz of cheeseburgers and all.

8) It’s time to heat up my Lean Cuisine Pizza! Yem! And half the fat and calories of a normal slice. Svelt Joe, here I come!

Ok, y’all! If you have a great day, I’ll have a great day.

The weather’s beautiful and my mood is good, so I’ll do my best to keep up my end of the bargain.

Friends: They Can Change the World with a Hug

All I can say is that I had the most wonderful weekend of my life.

I spent all of Friday night with my darling friend Rita. We sat down on her deck, with glasses of wine in our hands, at 6pm and didn’t move from our spot (except to get more wine) until midnight. I would even follow her to the bathroom so we wouldn’t miss a single second of talk time. If that’s not a testement to our friendship, I don’t know what is.

Rita and I discussed everything from my personal relationships in NY to the upcoming show I’m working on to our current favorite movies, music and TV personalities. In fact, we talked so fiercely and for so long, that we both ended the night with hoarse voices. I think I finally rolled in to bed sometime around 3:30am.

On Saturday, Rita and I took a VERY long time eating our Taco Bell and watching VH1. Eventually we got our shit together and drove down to Utica to see our friend, Jessicle! After a tour of her house, she and her fiance supplied Rita and I with some beer and wedding tasks to complete. I got to help pick out the songs for the reception (which was so fun!) and I have to admit that I am very happy with the seating arrangements as well. As Rita and I said in unison “As long as she and I are sitting next to each other, it doesn’t matter who else is at our table.”

Around 6pm, the four of us headed over to Jessica’s parent’s house for a big party. I have to say, I had the time of my life. Rita and I were attached at the hip and all of the guests at the party wanted a piece of our action. We talked a lot about our lives and goals and dreams, and everyone I met was so welcoming and friendly. Everyone already knew Rita from years of her being friends with Jessicle, so I was able to use her as my springboard when talking to all of these new faces.

We chilled at the party for awhile only leaving to go back to Jessica’s place for some cards and more beer! What was it? My birthday?!

Rita and I stayed up after Jessica and her fiance went to bed and we talked and giggled some more. I slept a total of 5 hours this weekend, but every second of the trip was worth it. The only downside to the entire visit was getting on the train to come back to NY.

I said goodbye to my wonderful friends and as soon as I sat in my seat on the train, tears filled my eyes.

Lately, I’ve been dealing with so much nonsense in my personal life while NYC has been weighing heavily on my shoulders. I don’t get to hang with these girls often and I kept saying how happy and fulfilled I felt by being with them. The old days were so much easier than it is now. Everyone just seemed to have a lot more respect for eachother back then. Weird that as I get older, this level of understanding seems to fade away. But I’ll take the peace and quiet, if only for one weekend.

On to another brutal week, but I know I can do it!

Sorry for the personal shout out everyone, but I’m sure you don’t mind:

Thank you Rita. You know how badly I needed you this weekend. Your honesty and support has always been a necessity in my life. You give it to me straight and you give me the confidence I need when making hard decisions. I can’t think of anyone else in my life that I need as desperately as you. I wouldn’t have been able to come back here if it weren’t for you. I know it was hard to let me go, as it was hard for me to leave. I’m counting the days until your next visit.

Off on a Trip!

Today I leave to go see my bestest friend Rita in Syracuse. As many of you remember I went to Syracuse on May 1st to be a part of Rita’s wedding! Although it’s only been 6 weeks since I’ve seen her, I have easily shriveled up and died without her presence in my life. I need to talk to her, to hug her, to LAUGH with her. Really, one night with her seems to solve any problem I have going on in my life.

Most likely, we will sit on her deck and drink wine and smoke cigarettes and talk about everything that’s happened in the last 6 weeks. I can’t wait to see pictures from her honeymoon and wedding. I can’t wait to show her the stuff I’ve been working on for the theatre company. And I can’t wait to play games! Although Rita loves to knit, she fulfills my gaming request every time I roll into Syracuse. Ok, that made Rita sound like the ultimate granny. Well, she is 65 so I guess that makes sense.

Tomorrow, Rita and I will drive to Utica to see another one of our friends, Jessica. Jessica gets married in July and since I’m a groomsman, I must get fitted for my tux before it’s too late. From what I hear, Jessica’s brother is having a birthday party that night, so Rita and I will attend the event with big smiles on our faces and hopefully liquor in our veins. The last time I saw Jessica’s brother he was like 10 years old and 5 feet tall. Now he’s supposed to top 6 ft. Yipes! What if I want to do him while I’m there?

Overall, I’m much in need of getting out of the city. I love going upstate when the weather’s nice. Everything smells so good and people are in better moods. Also, the cigarettes cost $4 a pack and for me…the trip is worth it just for that. Well, and also for Rita.

Have great weekends!

Drink a gallon of your favorite beverage and eat at least 4 slices of pizza. Otherwise, this weekend would be a bomb fo you fo sho!

Ardios!

My First Career Step

So I did it. I went to my first big networking party in NYC. It wasn’t as much of an audition as I had hoped, but it was definitely a good chance for me to meet a few agents in this city and to start building my list of contacts.

There were hundreds of people at the event and because I attended by myself, I started to feel a bit uncomfortable, having no one to bullshit with while I was waiting in line. I mean, not kidding. Hundreds of people.

I stayed for about an hour and in that time, I connected with five agents, three of whom took my name and info and gave me their’s in return. Initially, I was nervous that I wasn’t going to be able to handle myself in this type of situation. But, everyone was very nice and helpful.

I explained that I was currently working for a non-profit theater company in NYC. They asked which one and when they said they hadn’t heard of it, I told them all about the mission statement and what we have done over the last year. The majority of the agents seemed pretty impressed with my desire to work, regardless of not getting paid or accumulating points to enter into the union.

The hightlight of the experience was when a producer for the agency walked up to me and asked if I would be interested in reading for a role for an upcoming independent film. I immediately said yes and we sat down and talked for a few minutes. He (Frank) explained that he liked my look and resume and that, in a couple of weeks, he was doing an audition for the lead roles of his low budget movie.

My excitement burned in my stomach as I listend to Frank describe the movie and the parts available. Then the clincher, they will be filming the movie during the first three weeks of August. NOOOOOO!
Not that its’ set in stone, but my brother is supposed to come home during the first week of August. I explained my situation to him and he told me that I should still call him in a couple of weeks about the reading and if I found that I was available, we should definitely get together again and talk.

Overall the party was too much for me. I felt out of place having no one to talk to during the down time. But on the flip side, I felt so proud of myself for taking the risk and going…all by myself. I definitely believe I was one of the best looking guys there. And although I saw hundreds of gay men, I was one of the few masculine ones.

So, we’ll see. I submitted my headshot and resume to two more producers for other upcoming roles that I found through Backstage. And next week I’m planning on hitting up another agency for an audition. At this rate, I’ll be on a soap opera in no time!

Thanks for all the emails with well wishes. You are all so supportive. When I make it to the big time, I will make sure to tell you who I am, so you can say, “I remember when he was cutting the shit five days a week for 2 years!”

It’s all very wonderful and surreal.

THE DENTIST: AY AY AY!

This morning I went to see my dentist, as you could probably tell from the title of my post. I have been terrified all week about going because I was to have a periodontal scraping today; “scaling” if you will. Ick. Even writing those words makes me shudder.

The people in my dentist office are just about the nicest and kindest people on the planet. I’ve become pretty cool with them since my last visit. The receptionist, Nelly, gave me a huge hug when I walked in the door. I totally needed that as my hands were shaking like little gay leafs.

They immediately called me into the recesses of the office and had me sit in the chair. The hygenist said “My name is Paris, I will be your hygenist today”. I responded with “Hi Paris. My name is terrified. I feel like I could pee all over the floor.” She laughed and put her hand on my shoulder. “Oh Joe, I’ll take very good care of you.”

I sat in the chair for over an hour as Paris scraped and proded all inside my mouth. She used some sort of hyper-intense spray that removed all the stains on my teeth. (Rita…member the stains on the inside of my teeth from smoking? They’re gone!!!) After she was done removing the stains, I said “Are we almost done? I don’t know how much more of this I can take.” She responded with “Oh Joe, we just started. I have a lot more to do.” “Nooooooooooooooooooooo! I need more novocaine.” Paris kindly obliged and then scraped so far below my gum line that I thought she was going to accidentally pluck every tooth out of my head. Needless to say, that didn’t happen.

Finally, she was finished. My gums were very swollen, but immediately looked much better. The dentist came in and said “What a remarkable difference. Your teeth are in excellent shape and if you keep flossing and taking care of your gums, you should be back to normal in no time.” Phew.

Paris gave me a hug as I left (everyone hugs the Joe) and I made another appointment with Nelly for a follow up visit; just to make sure everything is healing appropriately. I have a cleaning scheduled for October as well and I finally feel like I’m on track with my teeth. And what a smile I have! I’m sure to get a ton of movie roles now.

It will take a day or so for my gums to fully heal. I mean, you don’t dig that low and expect there to be no reprocussions. But for the most part…it’s all over. I am so proud of myself for being a big boy and getting this taken care of. I even went all by myself! Shit, you should SEE the size of my balls today.

For all of you that prayed and wished me luck…thank you. Why is it that journalers seem to remember big things in my life when no one else in my personal life can?

By tomorrow I hope to have a gleaming, happy smile.

And I owe it all to Paris Hilton and Nelly, the singer.

I have had ENOUGH

When I woke up this morning, I thought to myself “I can’t do it. I can’t work another day at my unsatisfying, shit job.” And with that attitude, I got dressed and got on the subway.

Once I sat down in my chair at my desk, I decided that the only person who is going to change my life is me. I can’t sit around anymore and wait to be discovered or wait for God to give me a handout. I need to be proactive and cause change in my life. It doesn’t happen just because you want it more than anything else in the world. You have to actually go out there and get it.

I immediately began pouring through various theatre publications trying to find information on how to obtain an agent, what auditions are available to Non-Union actors, and what I need to do to step out of my comfortable little world. Then I came across a casting notice for an independent horror movie, filming in September.

There are 15 roles available, yet only five of them fit my physical description. All of the parts are paid and the production should be finished filming by the end of September. I immediately jumped on it and sent the company an email. In turn, I received an email back from them telling me that not only are they casting for the horror movie, they are holding a workshop seminar on Wednesday night from 6pm-midnight. At this seminar, there will be a variety of agents, producers, etc. that will be accepting resumes and headshots for potential actors.

Usually these type of events cost a couple hundred dollars to attend. This one is free unless you show up after 8pm. I registered myself and one guest (anyone want to go?) and plan on dressing nice and heading over immediately after work on Wed.

Who knows if anything will come of this? But at this point, I don’t care. I need SO badly to get out of my hum drum job and to do what I came to this city to do. The worst thing that could happen is that I meet other people who are involved in the entertainment business. Coming from a place where I have NO contacts, the worst scenario seems pretty great.

Please say a little prayer for Joe CuttheShit. He needs to get this acting career rolling in a much more profitable and productive manner. I have the talent, the look and some decent experience. All I need now is to accept the fact that rejection will happen and get my ass in gear.

The only person that’s going to make this dream come true is me.

Figures

Last night I went to see Shrek 2 with my mom and Paul. It was so nice to have an outing with my favorite woman on the planet and my favorite man on the planet. The three of us sat together like a teeny happy family. And I must say that the movie was fucking incredible.

Puss n Boots? OMG. I don’t remember the last time I laughed so hard at a character in a movie. He steals the show. Completely. I’m sorry, but those CUTE LITTLE EYES! Pure genius. And that hairball? That scene brought me back to one of my all time favorite moments in a movie: National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. The dog coughing up the chicken bones under the Christmas dinner table? HILARIOUS!

The movie itself flies by and before you know it, it’s over. What an absolute pleasure it was to see a movie of this quality. I’m sure The Day After Tomorrow will pale in comparison. But then again, a tidal wave swallowing up NYC just might be the kick in the balls I need.

After the movie was over, I suddenly started to feel awful. Paul and I put my mom in a cab and took the subway back to his apartment. The entire way I started to feel, as Paul would say, fluish. We got to the apartment, hung out with his roommate for a bit and then climbed into bed. I laid there wide awake and feeling like garbage until well after 2am. At one point, I said out loud “I can’t fucking sleep!” I thought Paul was fast into dreamland, but he responds “Me either!” and we curled up into the spooning position and lay there quietly.

When I woke up this morning my body felt as though a hundred dirty bricks had fallen on my face. My stomach was rolling with nausea and my body ached like nothing else. I slowly crawled into the shower and then slowly got dressed. I guess Paul’s psychosomatic sickness wasn’t so psychosomatic after all. Don’t I feel sheepish? And like shit.

Once I got to work, I started to feel a bit better. I’m doing my best to fight through this beast of a cold/flu/typhoid fever. I have plans to go out with my friend Angie tonight and I would be MISERABLE if I was too sick to go. I’m thinking a little nap after work and maybe a bottle of vodka will get me where I need to be. Unless I’m vomiting out my ass, I’m GOING out tonight. Come hell or diarrhea water.

I just bought myself a chicken enchilada Lean Cuisine. That should SURELY make my touchy stomach feel much better. As Ari said, “I’ll be gone from work before that food hits your stomach and causes some damage.” The meal itself is pretty good. Needs salt. And I don’t have any.

I guess that’s it for today.

Have super good weekends. Do something fun and laugh a lot.

That’s what I’m hoping to do, so long as I don’t puke on myself before I get to that point.

Tids and Bits: Tidbits

Did you know that I wear two silver rings on my right hand? Both are gifts from my boyfriend Paul. But did you know that when I masturbate I have to remove the band on my ring finger and put it on the ring finger on my left hand? Too much metal on one hand doesn’t lead to conductive masturbation.

As though this is of less importance than my masturbation techniques…I received an email from my brother today that gave his TENTATIVE dates for re-deployment in the United States. God willing, he will be leaving Iraq by July 1st and home with my family by July 22nd. My heart leapt with joy and I experienced this moment of calmness that I haven’t felt since he left. I’m not getting my hopes up…but Lord…I know you’re out there. Please let this happen.

Tonight I am going to see Shrek 2 with my mom and Paul. First we will head over to Ranch One (for those of you who are not NYer’s, Ranch One is a fast food chicken sandwich place that is an addiction that my mother and I share). Afterwards we will head down to see the movie. I had such a super great time with her last night. We ended up not going to dinner, but staying in her hotel room from 6-11pm drinking wine, smoking packs of cigarettes and talking about everything under the sun. And oddly enough, only a few tears were shed (It’s hard to talk about my brother with my parents and not lose it as you could imagine). This has been one of the best visits with my mom that I’ve ever had. I wish she could stay for a week instead of for just a couple of days.

I saw someone wearing a Bart Simpson “Underachiever” t-shirt yesterday. Um…what? There are so many things wrong with this style choice that I don’t even know where to begin. Please, if you are reading this and you own one of these t-shirts, put it to sleep with your Jams and your Jelly shoes. Forever and ever Amen.

I was able to rope my friend Angie into seeing “The Day After Tomorrow” with me. Of all the plans that I have for this weekend, going to see this movie is by far the highlight.

I love Nelly Furtado. So much. Too much. More than a gay man should. I’d eat her tits if she asked me to.

I went home last night and played with my hammies for an hour or so. The whole time I kept thinking “Please don’t multiply and have babies. I don’t want to have to throw you out of my bedroom window.” Luckily nothing like that happened. But on the flip side, it took me 10 minutes to get my favorite hammie, Jim, to come out of his cage. He sat upright, with his back turned to me for a long time. I think he was pissed that I’ve been out of my apartment for so long. But eventually he crawled into my hand and we watched TV together for awhile. He totally loves Blind Date, so I watched back to back episodes at his request.

Sometimes I am wrong about things. I do enjoy Jake Gyllenhaal’s acting, but I have always thought that he was kind of ugly. Like in a…I don’t know…ugly way. Anyway, he was on the cover of last week’s Entertainment Weekly promoting his new movie and I’m not kidding…he looked absolutely beautiful. He’s still not my ideal physical type, but I decided after studying the picture that I want to look exactly like him. He has great hair and eyes and I think I may have to reconstruct myself to look like him. Weird how this happens. One minute I think he’s semi-busted, the next minute, I’m going on the Swan Pageant to look just like him.

I am in LOVE with the Lean Cuisine French bread Pizza. It is so super good. Low fat and calories and its microwavable. If you are looking for a light lunch that won’t go right to your hips and thighs, this is the food to eat.

Ashley Simpson, sister of Jessica Simpson, has a new single out. It makes me want to hurl with uncreative boredom. Come ON! Why are people still signing record contracts with these cheap and overused knock off performers? Enough’s fucking enough. I mean, I totally fell into the Vanessa Carlton, Michelle Branch, Avril Lavigne (although I hate that bitch so much) trap. But I have since grown up into a smarter woman and I refuse to get into Ashley’s “Pieces of Me” bullshit. Take your rip off and shove it up your sister’s dumb ass.

And that’s my tids and bits for this Thursday.

Enjoy your day! I am surely going to try to do the same.

The Hammies are at it Again!

Last night I went to bed around 11:30pm. I took a couple sleeping pills since I’ve had some trouble falling asleep these days. It was easy last week when I didn’t have to work. But now that my schedule is all fucked up, I’m like wide awake at midnight every night. Anyways…tangent over.

I took my pills and laid my pretty head on my pillow. Yes, it’s pretty. Fuck you for doubting.

I fell asleep pretty quickly and immediately found myself in my apartment. It was like waking up in a Freddy Krueger nightmare. (By the way, Microsoft Word corrected the spelling of the word “Krueger” for me. I didn’t know Bill Gates was such a horror fanatic) I woke up in my dream to find myself standing in my bedroom. Instead of my usual two hamster cages, I had three. The third one was broken and it had some sort of water slide attached to it. It made a lot more sense in the dream.

When I looked further into the broken cage, I realized that my three hamsters had babies. I mean, they’re all male, but I rationalized for myself that even though they all have penises, animals will find a way to survive. You understand.

When the baby hamsters started going down the water slide, I began scooping them up and putting them back into their appropriate cages. They bit me on my fingers the whole time. As I dropped them into their cages, I noticed that more babies had been born. As the dream progressed, all three cages began filling up with hamsters and I couldn’t scoop them up fast enough. Next thing I know there are hamsters biting my toes and running everywhere in my apartment.

I remember a distinct feeling of fear. Some of the older hamsters in the cages were huge. They looked like they were going to explode with more babies. I screamed for Kelly to come in and help me. Finally Kelly arrived and I yelled at her for putting the hamsters in the broken cage. “Now look what has happened!”

Kelly laughed and thought it was pretty funny that there were so many pets running around our apartment. Suddenly there was a knock on our front door and our OLD next door neighbors, Don and Joan, came in and told us that there were hamsters all over the floor of my building. “We’re going to call the police if you don’t take care of this mess!”

I ran back into my apartment to find hundreds of hamsters in my bedroom. I felt horrible, but I knew that the only way to get rid of them was to throw them out the window. As I tried to toss them out, they latched on to my fingers with their razor sharp teeth. I did one of those hand shaking wildly maneuvers, but the little bitches wouldn’t let go. I distinctly remember the pain they were inflicting on my poor gay hand.

I couldn’t keep up with the hamsters reproducing and eventually I just sat down on my floor and cried. Kelly came over to me and told me to quit it. She called me a “baby” or something and I just sat there with hamsters biting my toes.

Eventually I woke up and remained awake for the rest of the night.

It was an awful dream and the weirdest part about it? I had torn skin on my thumb this morning. Maybe I bit it while I was sleeping? Maybe the hamsters jumped into my real world a la Freddy Krueger.

In either case, I’m going home and killing all of my hammies.

BACK IN ACTION

Well, I am back from my mini-vacation. It never is long enough and this time was surely no exception. I don’t know how I’m going to get used to getting up when the alarm goes off. I’m so used to sleeping in until noon now. It feels odd to get up at 7:30am. I mean, who DOES that? Oh yeah…me.

Had an incredible week. Got to see Wicked for free on Wednesday night. Hung with a good friend on Thursday and again on Saturday. Made my rounds as best as I could. BUT the best part about the week was because of my (always surprising me) boyfriend.

On Saturday night, Paul and I had some drinks with his roommates and then went out to the classiest and best dinner I have ever had in NYC. We were both a bit toasted from our cocktails, so we wanted to go eat locally. He had heard that Hearth was a good place and that it was rated two stars, which for NYC restaurants is a HUGE deal.

We each ordered the tasting menu. We both had 6 courses, including duck, trout, sirloin, and chicken. We then had this amazing soup and dessert. Paul ordered one of the most expensive bottles of wine on the menu and we followed it up with a beautiful bottle of dessert wine. I mean, the kid spoiled me rotten and we had the best time of our life. The bill…well, let’s just say that it takes me two weeks to make that kind of money.

Paul is known for spoiling me as well as his friends. But lately, he and I have been doing so well, that he has taken great liberties in treating me like a true princess. I mean, honestly, I’ve never been happier with him. He has been sweet and kind and funny as fuck. I about shit every time he opens his mouth. The dinner was just…extra. And what an extra it was! If it weren’t for Paul, I would never get to see this side of NYC. You know, the classy side.

Let’s see…what else? Going into the weekend I hadn’t seen Kill Bill. Now, I’ve seen it three times. I ADORE Quentin and his movies are like guilty pleasures times a thousand. I have already asked for the movie for my birthday. I mean, I can’t rent it EVERY weekend.

This week is hectic as my mom is coming to town! Once a year she comes to NYC on business and we always have the time of our life. Tomorrow night we are sure to have dinner together…meaning we will drink two bottles of wine and call it a night. On Thursday, I’m bringing Paul and maybe a friend of mine to have a REAL dinner. Time to show her what NYC is REALLY like. Haha. You know I’m taking her to the gayest restaurants ever. I mean, my mom’s a Gaylord, right?

Other than that, it’s pretty quiet in my world. Very happy. Very healthy (although Paul and I got some sort of flu on Sunday). I am caught up on all my television programs and visits with people. It feels like I am on top of everything right now and I know that can’t be right. There’s always some sort of drama right around the corner. So I’ll keep you informed as it happens. It will make for a much better entry. Cuz really…what’s “Cut the Shit” without SOME sort of petty drama going on?

I better go take ANOTHER shit now. You don’t eat 6 courses at a fancy dinner and expect to get it all out in one dump!

ENJOY THE DAY MY LOVELIES!